Murphy's Law

Presented here for your enjoyment is a collection of humor columns I wrote for the Atlantic Sun, the former school paper at FAU (but only click if you are really desperate) between September 1987 and sometime in 1990.

When I originally converted these columns over to HTML I had tried to keep the original layout as they appeared in print and for years I haven't really changed their look. But eventually I realized that it was a rather pointless thing to, given the rather fluid nature of browsing environments where such things as resolution, color depth and gamma correction and even window size it not easily controlled (if at all). And that's even assuming a person is using a desk top computer to view these pages—more and more we're seeing PDAs accessing the web.

Even though I wrote them, the actual legalities of presenting public copies on my website is questionable since I was paid (how ever laughably the amount was at the time) for the work but no discussion as to ownership was ever discussed. But, seeing how the Atlantic Sun is no longer published (in fact, as of January 2003 it doesn't seem that FAU even has a newspaper) and in the eight years since I've had this material up on the web (originally hosted at FAU!) I've received not one ceast and desist letter, so until I do, I'll keep the pages up.

The titles you see here (and any sections headers) were the deranged inventions of the various Entertainment Editors I worked under; I learned quickly that any suggested title I may have had would be promptly ignored. The exception are titles in brackets for which no title was given so those are my own deranged inventions.

A lifetime of bureaucracy

In desperation I frantically look for another class to take

September 23, 1987

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

… and the same liberal will be lynched by a mis-programmed Teddy Ruxpin …

October 14, 1987

[The Palmetto Bug Gang]

He was never seen again. All we found was his bug spray and a little note saying, “Thanks for the exterminator. It was delicious. Keep them coming. The Palmetto Bug Gang.”

February 10, 1988

He finds city buses worse than cycling

A senior citizen was hugging the bus stop sign, so I didn't have to.

March 23, 1988

Studying conjures up Twilight Zone

I grabbed the teacher by the collar and screamed “Stop playing with my mind!” … All he could say was, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

March 30, 1988

Buying a car can lead to expensive surprises

Even so, on the way home we were passed by a little old lady with blue hair who crouched behind the steering wheel of a football-length Oldsmobile.

April 20, 1988

A tale of towing terror

… and the driver long gone, last seen racing a Porsche down State Road 7

May 11, 1988

Journey into the unknown

Mom was screaming that no one, no matter how good the conditions are, can arrive at the airport in only four hours.

July 20, 1988

[Journey into the unknown, Part II]

… when Hoade made a joke about where to put his gun …

July 27, 1988

[Journey into the unknown, Part III]

Little turbulence turned out to mean that the plane didn't flip over …

August 3, 1988

Sound words of wisdom

“Well, Mr. (Ms.) Smarty-Pants, we already have your money, and you won't ever see it again! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

August 24, 1988

Reach out and touch the phone company

“… can I ask you why I was on hold for half an hour?” I asked.

September 21, 1988

The joys of talking back to an answering machine

“I was just daydreaming about a burnt up guy with four-inch finger nails. What was the question?”

October 12, 1988

Taxing phone problems

“… we live in tough times when the local phone company can extort the U.S. taxpayers and get away with it!”

October 19, 1988

The Demonic Creature that Invaded Bill's Room

Everyone knows that fresh air just doesn't exist down here in South Florida. He probably just didn't want to admit to being stupid enough to leave his door open.

October 26, 1988

Saga of the Demonic Creature continues

Scratch that. This DC was meaner than a two-year old on a sugar rush.

November 2, 1988

The final episode of the Demonic Creature

He was charged with illegally firing a shotgun, illegally holding a fireworks show, shooting first without being attacked, and generally having fun.

November 9, 1988

Land lubbers

He walked up to me, eating a porkchop sandwich with tons of mayo on it. Three people who saw his sandwich headed for the side of the boat.

December 7, 1988

[Captain Courier, Part I]

… and as per instructions I ate the printout. Parsip flavored. I was going to have to talk to Al …

September 11, 1989

[Captain Courier, Part II]

The chaser becomes the chasee.

September 18, 1989