Murphy's Law

Sound words of wisdom

Welcome to FAU.

I'd like to take this time to welcome all incoming freshmen and give them a little survival guide so that they may see next year.

You see, I had to learn all this the hard way, and believe me, if one freshman takes my advice, I wouldn't be as happy if ALL freshmen take my advice, but then at least someone listened to me. By the way, some of this is advice that the promoters and propagandists here at FAU don't tell you.

  1. Do not start the year with Calculus. Period. Even if you had Calculus in high school, don't take calculus in your first semester! You may end up taking it again and again and again … (my friend Bill suggests that you don't even take Calculus at all if you can help it)

  2. You need to earn at least 30 credit hours to become a sophmore. You might wonder “Who in their right mind doesn't know this?”

    Let me tell you, I didn't know. It takes 12 credit hours a semester to be labeled a full time student. But that only leaves you with 24 credits (assuming you passed all classes (and see next not about assuming)) for that year, a full six short of becoming a sophmore. And nowhere did I find that in any of the literature available at FAU, which says something about the bureaucrats (see note four).

  3. Never assume anything. Why? When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me, got it? And that's especially true here at FAU, where the rules change faster than Superman on speed.

  4. Please be aware that new sub-species of humans thrive here at FAU. Yes, Homo Bueaucratis can be found everywhere on campus, thus crowding out the normal Homo Sapiens who happen to be suckered into coming here by Homo Propoganis, and then the Homo Helen Popovich financially bleeds dry the poor Homo Sapiens, thus turning them into Homo Studis. They remain in this state for four or more years, until graduation, where the Homo Studis either becomes Homo Yuppis, or Homo Burnout, depending on how successful they are.

    Anyway, Homo Bueaurcratis can be found anywhere, and they delight in shoving umteen-druplicate forms up your nose for you to fill out, sign, turn in, and then wait in lines for more umteen-druplicate forms, all of which state (more or less) in Bueaurcrateese, that you (usually the Undersigned) sign away your life for the next four years to more umteen-druplicate forms, red tape and herring (which nobody likes anyway).

    They also provide great exercise, as they make you walk from one end of FAU to the other end several times in one day. And they also say nothing in no less than 4,565,112,776,343 words.

  5. Read the Atlantic Sun every week (there, that should be good for a raise).

  6. If you thought that your texts book where expensive, try buying food at an airport! But the real shock (come on now, you knew that books weren't cheap!) comes when it's time to sell the books back, and you end up without enough to buy the Atlantic Sun!

    You see, the formula that the college book store uses to determine the buy-back price of a book is

    Np = ( Op × Tx / Sn) − 1

    where Np is New price, Op is Old price, Tx is the sales tax, and Sn is the total number of students. Of course, there is the simplified formula,

    Np = Whatever The Person Buying Back The Book Wants

    and in any case, the price still comes out to where you owe money.

  7. Teachers have complete control over class room procedures (there are of course, some exceptions), whereby they are dictators. The worse thing you can do is persure the line of argument whereas “I am paying your salary, and therefore, you have to listen to me.”

    This never works. When such a statement is used, the teacher says, “Well, Mr. (Ms.) Smarty-Pants, we already have your money, and you won't ever see it again! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Grin and bear it.

And with that, I would like to close and say in closing, Have a Nice Year.

About

I never did get that raise.