Murphy's Law

The final episode of the Demonic Creature

[Last week, Sean tried to get the Demonic Creature (DC) out of Bill's room, but without luck. Bill's dog, Lucky, proved to be unreliable, as well as stupid. It looks like hour heros will have to go in after the DC themselves …]

“Bill, come in here and help me.”

“Do I have to?” he replied through the door.

“Do you want to sleep in the living room for the rest of your life?”

“I could get used to it.”

“Loose your entire wardrobe?”

“I could use new clothes anyway.”

“Have your only dog eaten up by a Demonic Creature bent on death and destruction?”

“Lucky's too stupid to be called a dog.”

“Loose your computer forever?”

“Where do you want me to stand?” You have to know what motivates people.

“First, do you still have that hocky stick?” I asked.

Bill entered the room after taking a few minutes to search for the hockey stick his cousin gave him on Christmas.

“Okay, now what?'' he asked, holding the hockey stick like a scythe.

“Take the left side of the room. I'll take the right. Use the hockey stick to poke around with, and maybe we can force the DC to leave your room,” I said, moving to the right and, using my Demonic Creature Harpoon, started to poke around in Bill's closet.

“Wouldn't it be easier to exorcise the DC?'' asked Bill.

“It would, but I forgot my tape of Richard Simmons.”

“Oh.” At that point, Bill's father, William, came bursting into the room with a fully loaded 8 guage shotgun (for those who don't know guns, the lower the gauge on shotguns the larger the shells are) and a bandana (which remarkably looked like a necktie) around his forehead.

“Right! What's going on here?” he shouted, pointing the shotgun at us.

“Dad, it's me, your son, and Sean. We're looking for a Demonic Creature,” Bill shouted back.

“Is it large, furry, and does it have the largest red eyes you've ever seen?” said William, suddenly turning white.

“Uhhhhhh,” said Bill, slowly turning to see where his dad was pointing his shotgun.

“Uh, guys,” I said, as William pointed the gun at me, and Bill looked at me strangly. At that moment, William cocked the gun and took a bead on me! I slowly turned around and saw this huge furry demonic creature with the reddest eyes you have ever seen. Needless to say, I screamed and leapt to the left.

William fired the gun a split microsecond later.

The Demonic Creature hightailed it out of the room through the sliding glass door (we never did see how it got the door open) and onto the porch.

Lucky, who was sleeping at the time, slowly lifted his head, looked at William holding the shotgun, looked at the fleeing DC, and went back to sleep.

Bill had dived under his bed, which is quite difficult, as his bed is a waterbed.

All of that took place in about 2.3 seconds.

The smoke from the gunshot finally cleared. Bill came out from under the bed, and I slowly got up from the floor. William was looking at the broken glass. He then opened the sliding glass door, and looked out on the porch. Bill and I followed.

“Looks like we got him!” shouted William.

“Yea, looks like it,” I said, relieved that it was all over and I could get back home.

“Uhhhhhh, dad,” said Bill, “I think it's behind the grill.”

And sure enough, there was the DC's tail, sticking out from behind the gas grill.

“Die, Devil Spawned!” screamed William, taking aim at the grill (he still had one shot left).

“Dad! Not the grill!” shouted Bill. This time, I dove under the waterbed.

Their neighbors saw the most spectacular fireworks show since the Fourth of July.

Since then, the Demonic Creature hasn't been seen or heard of, which is fine with Bill. Bill has finally gotten a good night's sleep (although he has stopped leaving the sliding glass door open), and William has been released from jail. He was charged with illegally firing a shotgun, illegally holding a fireworks show, shooting first without being attacked, and generally having fun (remember, this is Coral Springs where it happened; fun is outlawed there). And Bill's dog Lucky is still afraid of his dog dish.

And for myself, I've been paid $30 for re-telling this horrifying tale of the Demonic Creature that Invaded Bill's Room. It was worth losing a night's sleep for this.


Bill's father, Bill (yes, that was his name) took this column in the spirit it was intended and enjoyed it. Which was fine by me.

The city of Coral Springs has not commented on this column at all, which is also fine by me.