The Car Dealership Sketch

This one is circa 1987, maybe as late as 1988, I'm not sure; the computer I was using at the time didn't timestamp the files so the exact date I wrote this is lost.

This wasn't my first sketch (my first sketch I've unfortunately lost) but it is one of the best, if you happen to like Monty Python. I was a serious Monty Python fan in those days (although for the life of me I can't quote any of it).

The sketch itself appears to be Classic Python, but it's all American in nature.

Flashback to the mid 80s. A series of real annoying car commercials hit the air waves back then (like they're any better today?) and the schtick back then was selling cars (please forgive me this) at

!!!!DEAD DEALER COST!!!!

Like I said, very annoying.

Flashforward to late 80s. I've just watched possibly a million hours of Monty Python and for no reason at all,

!!!!DEAD DEALER COST!!!!

came bubbling up from whatever depths it was hiding in and seared its presence across my mind. And in that post-Monty Pythonesque warped view of reality, I though … what if you had to be a dead dealer to get the car at a great price?

I wrote it, and my friends who read it loved it.

Flashforward to about '93. My first assignment in Creative Writing bombed out. “So much for fiction,” I thought. “What next? I gotta write something for tomorrow …” I then rembered this funny sketch I write a few years ago.

I turned it in, got back an A+. The teacher absolutely loved it.

“Great!” I thought. “As long as it works, go with it …” and it was during that period of time that the rest of these sketches were written.

[A regular office. The Car Dealer is sitting at his desk with couple walk in.]

DEALER

Ah, yes. How can I help you?

MAN

We'd like to buy a car.

DEALER

Fine, fine. Please have a seat. [Stands, and motions to couple to have a seat. When they sit, he sits] Right! Did you have a particular car in mind?

MAN

Yes, the red one out there. [Looks at wife] That is the one?

WOMAN

Yes, dear.

DEALER

Excellent choice! Now, let me look up the price. [Pulls out a catalog from desk, and starts flipping through the pages] Here we are, that particular car is $27,999.95, excluding air, AM/FM radio, automatic transmission, power steering, power brakes, power seats, electric windows, and automatic ice crusher.

MAN

No automatic ice crusher?

DEALER

No, with automatic ice crusher, it's $29,999.95.

MAN

Is there anyway we could get that cheaper? I heard that you have a special going on, where we could get a car at dealer cost.

DEALER

Oh yes, I forgot! Are you a dealer?

MAN

W-what?

DEALER

Are you a dealer?

MAN

[Starts to look nervous] Uhh …

DEALER

Do you deal in anything?

MAN

Uh …

WOMAN

He deals in furniture.

DEALER

Splendid! [Looks in catalog] Right! Furniture dealer cost is … ummm … $21,999.97, battery not included.

MAN

Battery not included?

DEALER

Little joke. Ha ha. The battery is included.

MAN

Oh, that's good.

DEALER

Although you do have to provide your own gas.

MAN

Yes, but that is still a bit much. Is there anyway we could get it cheaper?

DEALER

I could let you have it at dead dealer cost.

MAN

How much?

DEALER

[Looks in catalog] Uhh … about $7,999.98, but—

MAN

Great!

DEALER

—but you have to be dead.

MAN

Oh.

WOMAN

Oh I do want that car! Come on honey, please? For me?

MAN

But dead.

WOMAN

Have I ever asked for much? Hmmm? Ever?

MAN

Well, I guess we could get it—

DEALER

Right! Dead dealer cost then. [Pulls out a gun from the drawer, shoots man who slumps on desk. Dealer then puts gun away and gets out calculator] How, I can let you haveit at 21.25% interest, for … uhh … how long do you want to pay for the car?

WOMAN

How long do I have?

DEALER

As long as you want.

WOMAN

What do you recommend?

DEALER

Three years.

WOMAN

Fine.

DEALER

For three years, and … uhh … how much do you want to put down?

WOMAN

I don't have any money. George was going to pay the downpayment.

DEALER

Hmmmm … [Looks at Woman's hand] That wedding ring, I don't suppose you'll be using it any longer?

WOMAN

I don't think so.

DEALER

How much is it worth?

WOMAN

I don't know. I haven't had it appraised lately.

DEALER

Don't worry. You can go next door to the Wedding Rig Appraisal Shop, and get it appraised.

WOMAN

Okay, I'll be back. [To husband] Now, don't go away. [Exits]

[Same office, same dealer, same dead guy on desk, only this time, the dealer is putting on a mustache, and a sign on the side of the desk says WEDDING RING APPRAISAL SHOP. The Woman comes in.]

DEALER

[In a different voice] Yes, may I help you?

WOMAN

Yes, I want to have a wedding ring appraised.

DEALER

Please, sit down. [Indicates chair] Right, can I please see your ring?

WOMAN

[Takes her ring off] Here.

DEALER

[Takes out one of those magnifying glasses that jewlers wear, looks at the ring, then takes the magnifying glass out of his eye] It's worth about $349.95

WOMAN

Is that all?

DEALER

Yes.

WOMAN

Wait! My husband is a dealer.

DEALER

Oh, in that case, it's worth $799.95.

WOMAN

He's a dead dealer.

DEALER

Any proof?

WOMAN

Well … [Looks around, spots husband] Oh dear, I thought I told you to stay in the car dealership office. [To Dealer] Honestly, he never listens to me.

DEALER

Well, let's see if he is dead. [Takes Man's arm, then drops it] Yup. He's dead.

WOMAN

Yes, and I told him to stay in the car dealership.

DEALER

Well, you know what they say about the dead: Denn die Tolten reiten schnell!

WOMAN

Really? I never knew that!

DEALER

Oh yes, and your ring is worth $1,999.92. Here is a certified check for that amount. [Writes out check] You can fill out your name and address on the spaces provided. Here you go.

WOMAN

[Takes check] Thank you. Bye! [To husband] Come along dear. [Exits]

[Car dealership. Dealer has taken off mustache and sign. The Woman enters.]

DEALER

I see you got the downpayment there. [Motions for Woman to sit]

WOMAN

Yes, [Sits] and I see that my husband beat me here.

DEALER

Yes, well you know what they say about the dead: For the dead travel fast.

WOMAN

What?

DEALER

For the dead travel fast.

WOMAN

I don't understand a word you're saying. Could you please translate it?

DEALER

Denn die Tolten reiten schnell!

WOMAN

Oh yes, they do, don't they? That's funny, the guy in the Wedding Ring Appraisal Shop said the same thing. In fact, he looks similar to you.

DEALER

We're not brothers!

WOMAN

What?

DEALER

We are not related!

WOMAN

I never said you were related.

DEALER

I do not know who the guy is. Never met him, and we're not brothers!

WOMAN

Of course not, he has a mustache, and you don't.

DEALER

Right! So we can't be brothers. Anyway, let's see how much that check is for. [Gets check] Okay, let's see how much you'll pay every month … [Works on calculator] That will be $200.42 every month. Here, sign here [Gives Woman a form to sign] and I'll also need your husband's signature.

WOMAN

But he's dead.

DEALER

Uhhh … you could help him.

WOMAN

[Takes Man's hand and helps him] There you go.

DEALER

Right! Thank you for shopping here and hope you enjoy the car.

WOMAN

[Stands up and exits] Come along George, you're such a dead beat!

DEALER

[Takes a microphone out of the desk, puts it on the desk, and turns toward audience] And now for something completely different …