[A regular office. The Car Dealer is sitting at his desk with couple walk in.]
DEALER
Ah, yes. How can I help you?
MAN
We'd like to buy a car.
DEALER
Fine, fine. Please have a seat. [Stands, and motions to couple to have a seat. When they sit, he sits] Right! Did you have a particular car in mind?
MAN
Yes, the red one out there. [Looks at wife] That is the one?
WOMAN
Yes, dear.
DEALER
Excellent choice! Now, let me look up the price. [Pulls out a catalog from desk, and starts flipping through the pages] Here we are, that particular car is $27,999.95, excluding air, AM/FM radio, automatic transmission, power steering, power brakes, power seats, electric windows, and automatic ice crusher.
MAN
No automatic ice crusher?
DEALER
No, with automatic ice crusher, it's $29,999.95.
MAN
Is there anyway we could get that cheaper? I heard that you have a special going on, where we could get a car at dealer cost.
DEALER
Oh yes, I forgot! Are you a dealer?
MAN
W-what?
DEALER
Are you a dealer?
MAN
[Starts to look nervous] Uhh …
DEALER
Do you deal in anything?
MAN
Uh …
WOMAN
He deals in furniture.
DEALER
Splendid! [Looks in catalog] Right! Furniture dealer cost is … ummm … $21,999.97, battery not included.
MAN
Battery not included?
DEALER
Little joke. Ha ha. The battery is included.
MAN
Oh, that's good.
DEALER
Although you do have to provide your own gas.
MAN
Yes, but that is still a bit much. Is there anyway we could get it cheaper?
DEALER
I could let you have it at dead dealer cost.
MAN
How much?
DEALER
[Looks in catalog] Uhh … about $7,999.98, but—
MAN
Great!
DEALER
—but you have to be dead.
MAN
Oh.
WOMAN
Oh I do want that car! Come on honey, please? For me?
MAN
But dead.
WOMAN
Have I ever asked for much? Hmmm? Ever?
MAN
Well, I guess we could get it—
DEALER
Right! Dead dealer cost then. [Pulls out a gun from the drawer, shoots man who slumps on desk. Dealer then puts gun away and gets out calculator] How, I can let you haveit at 21.25% interest, for … uhh … how long do you want to pay for the car?
WOMAN
How long do I have?
DEALER
As long as you want.
WOMAN
What do you recommend?
DEALER
Three years.
WOMAN
Fine.
DEALER
For three years, and … uhh … how much do you want to put down?
WOMAN
I don't have any money. George was going to pay the downpayment.
DEALER
Hmmmm … [Looks at Woman's hand] That wedding ring, I don't suppose you'll be using it any longer?
WOMAN
I don't think so.
DEALER
How much is it worth?
WOMAN
I don't know. I haven't had it appraised lately.
DEALER
Don't worry. You can go next door to the Wedding Rig Appraisal Shop, and get it appraised.
WOMAN
Okay, I'll be back. [To husband] Now, don't go away. [Exits]
[Same office, same dealer, same dead guy on desk, only this time, the dealer is putting on a mustache, and a sign on the side of the desk says WEDDING RING APPRAISAL SHOP. The Woman comes in.]
DEALER
[In a different voice] Yes, may I help you?
WOMAN
Yes, I want to have a wedding ring appraised.
DEALER
Please, sit down. [Indicates chair] Right, can I please see your ring?
WOMAN
[Takes her ring off] Here.
DEALER
[Takes out one of those magnifying glasses that jewlers wear, looks at the ring, then takes the magnifying glass out of his eye] It's worth about $349.95
WOMAN
Is that all?
DEALER
Yes.
WOMAN
Wait! My husband is a dealer.
DEALER
Oh, in that case, it's worth $799.95.
WOMAN
He's a dead dealer.
DEALER
Any proof?
WOMAN
Well … [Looks around, spots husband] Oh dear, I thought I told you to stay in the car dealership office. [To Dealer] Honestly, he never listens to me.
DEALER
Well, let's see if he is dead. [Takes Man's arm, then drops it] Yup. He's dead.
WOMAN
Yes, and I told him to stay in the car dealership.
DEALER
Well, you know what they say about the dead: Denn die Tolten reiten schnell!
WOMAN
Really? I never knew that!
DEALER
Oh yes, and your ring is worth $1,999.92. Here is a certified check for that amount. [Writes out check] You can fill out your name and address on the spaces provided. Here you go.
WOMAN
[Takes check] Thank you. Bye! [To husband] Come along dear. [Exits]
[Car dealership. Dealer has taken off mustache and sign. The Woman enters.]
DEALER
I see you got the downpayment there. [Motions for Woman to sit]
WOMAN
Yes, [Sits] and I see that my husband beat me here.
DEALER
Yes, well you know what they say about the dead: For the dead travel fast.
WOMAN
What?
DEALER
For the dead travel fast.
WOMAN
I don't understand a word you're saying. Could you please translate it?
DEALER
Denn die Tolten reiten schnell!
WOMAN
Oh yes, they do, don't they? That's funny, the guy in the Wedding Ring Appraisal Shop said the same thing. In fact, he looks similar to you.
DEALER
We're not brothers!
WOMAN
What?
DEALER
We are not related!
WOMAN
I never said you were related.
DEALER
I do not know who the guy is. Never met him, and we're not brothers!
WOMAN
Of course not, he has a mustache, and you don't.
DEALER
Right! So we can't be brothers. Anyway, let's see how much that check is for. [Gets check] Okay, let's see how much you'll pay every month … [Works on calculator] That will be $200.42 every month. Here, sign here [Gives Woman a form to sign] and I'll also need your husband's signature.
WOMAN
But he's dead.
DEALER
Uhhh … you could help him.
WOMAN
[Takes Man's hand and helps him] There you go.
DEALER
Right! Thank you for shopping here and hope you enjoy the car.
WOMAN
[Stands up and exits] Come along George, you're such a dead beat!
DEALER
[Takes a microphone out of the desk, puts it on the desk, and turns toward audience] And now for something completely different …